Jokes

here are jokes. i have written them in varying degrees of recency.

this is LA Knight. a wrestler guy

• You know that old saying "red sky in morning, sailor take warning. red sky at night, sailor's delight"? Well call me crazy, but I think sailors should focus on the water, which is where boats go.

  
  

• Amelia Earhart is in the news. You may know her for being an aviation pioneer, and a boundary breaker for women everywhere. A skilled pilot with moxie for days, Earhart was the first woman ever to make a solo,  nonstop transatlantic flight in May 1932 at just 34 years old. She was a trailblazer who helped found the Ninety-Nines - a global organization to promote and encourage women in aviation. Sadly, in 1937, Earhart and a co-navigator named Fred Noonan went missing after radio contact was lost with the aircraft. Though there are many theories as to what happened to the plane, the most likely explanation is that the craft ran out of fuel and plummeted from the sky resulting in their gruesome, untimely demise. Regardless of the cause, it remains sad, even after 80 years, that the air didn’t heart Amelia back.

  
  

• They say people who wear a lot of hats get a lot done. But just imagine how much MORE they’d get done with less shit on their head.

  
  

• I went to buy a used car recently. The salesman said he was willing to play hardball. I told him I’d rather play softball. I'm better at driving in runs than I am at driving a hard bargain. 

  
  

• Bernie Madoff has been in the news recently! He was given a maximum sentence of 150 years in federal prison for orchestrating what federal prosecutors agree was the largest Ponzi scheme in history. According to some accounts, his intricate, twisting web of lies began in the early 1990s, with 8 audits by the SEC and other regulatory bodies over 16 years largely yielding no evidence of criminal wrongdoing. However, with his house of cards collapsing in large part to the global financial crisis of 2008, Madoff admitted that he defrauded thousands of clients an estimated $65 billion.

  
  

  Now I don’t know about you, but it sure sounds like Bernie made off with quite a bit of money! Oh and also he died in April 2021.

  
  

• In a bit of sad news: Scientists recently announced that the rate at which the Titanic is disintegrating on the ocean floor is rapidly increasing. Damn, I guess that finally decides it: she’ll never sail again.

  
  

  I’m just kidding; that ship sailed long ago. How long ago? Approximately 9:30 am Greenwich Mean Time on April 10, 1912.

  
  

• Charles Julius Guiteau, a disgruntled and failed lawyer hailing from Ulao, Wisconsin, is infamous for shooting President James Garfield. Guiteau believed that he was crucial in Garfield's successful election campaign, and felt he was owed a consulship position in return. Eschewed and jaded after the first few months of Garfield's presidency, Guiteau confronted Secretary of State James G. Blaine about the European Consulship position he so desired. Blaine denied his request, and forbade him from ever soliciting the position again. At wit's end, Guiteau bought a .44 British Bulldog revolver and shot President Garfield on July 2, 1881. Eventually, Garfield succumbed to his injuries in September of that same year. What's worse, Garfield died on a Monday.

  
  

• Did you know that, despite how it's commonly used, 'nonplussed' does NOT mean "undisturbed" or "unaffected"? When I found out, boy was I nonplussed.